All adoptive families will likely have conversations about the formation of their family, and how to deal with prejudice and questions from people outside the immediate family. There are going to be macro and micro abrasion that you will need to face and respond to for your family as well as teach your family how to respond. LGBTQ parents also have the added complexity that not only do they not fit in the hetero norm, but their families might also be transracial. This is where counseling when needed and coaching to be proactive will help your family.

These 5 tips offer support and guidance around the particular issues that LGBTQ adoptive parents navigate with their children.

1. ENCOURAGE DIALOGUE

Your family may look different to the outside world, but to your children this is their family. This is what they are accustomed to, and this is what make sense to them. Start as young as possible reading affirming books to toddlers. If it is an older child from either foster care or an international adoption the more time you spend building one on one time the better. They will need your attention just as much as a toddler. The conversation and explanation will need to change as your child enters different developmental stages. If issues should arise from the outside world or they have questions due to their different understanding at developmental stages, let them know you are always open to them. This requires having on-going continuing conversations as needed throughout childhood and young adulthood. The more open you are the easier these conversations become. Do not let your child come to you. You are the resource. The expert on your family!

2. CREATE AN LGBTQ NETWORK

This can be invaluable. Just as an LGBTQ person you might have formed your own family outside of your birth family for certain types of support, this skill can be a great comfort to your family. Your children can see other children and families that look like their own. They can have talks with their peers. We all need community that accepts as for who we are and what we look like. When your family is transracial also have family friends and a community that looks like your children to help them feel connected to a community that looks like them.

3. CREATE YOUR OWN FAMILY PRIDE

Your family is as important as any other. The more comfortable you are showing your pride, the easier it will be for your children. Do not be afraid to talk about racism and homophobia in age-appropriate ways. Participate in LGBTQ positive events like gay pride, movies with positive gay themes or that are inclusive to name a few.

4. SHOW AND EXPRESS YOUR LOVE

Do not be afraid to show and express your love. Children need unconditional love, to feel supported, to have their emotional and physical needs met. Your children will benefit from as much quality time as you can spend with them. This is also especially true for older child adoptions. The bonds of your family are as important as anyone else’s. Continue to show up for your child at school, take them to school activities and sporting events. The more your child’s friends’ see you and their parents the easier it is for your child to feel safe.

5. BE COMFORTABLE WITH YOUR SEXUAL IDENTITY

The more comfortable you are with your sexual identity the easier parenting will be. The less issues we work out on our children the easier parenting them will be. This means that you might have some acceptance in your family of origin, but we do not talk about “it”. You now must talk about “it” and be prepared to correct any micro or micro aggressions that could occur. Your children need you to deal with it to help model how they will cope with it when needed.

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